Psych Eval
by DB Sommer
Summary: Goblin Slayer has to undergo a psychiatric evaluation for the Guild. Definitely humor oriented.


Psych Eval

A Goblin Slayer fic

This one is another humor-oriented fic based on the series. As always I do not own the rights to Goblin Slayer or the characters in this piece.

Feel free to comment, even the death threats which seem so popular among todays' youth.

And since you've been warned, we will now proceed to the fic.

Xxxxxxxx

Goblin Slayer entered the guild hall looking for a quest. There was only one type as far as he was concerned, so he thought of it as looking for a quest rather than something more specific like, 'goblin quest'. He had been tempted on a single occasion to take another type. Someone had put a request up looking for, 'Two great tastes that taste great together,' that paid well. Goblin Slayer had stumbled on one of those that time his only provisions were a chocolate bar and some peanut butter, and the chocolate fell into the peanut butter. He had eaten it anyway since he needed to maintain his goblin slaying strength. It turned out the taste was surprisingly good. He had been tempted to enter that as what the searcher was looking for, but then he remembered that time he had eaten rat and tofu souffle, because that was the only provision he had, and it had tasted good as well. But when he told everyone what he had eaten they proceeded to make retching noises. Apparently he didn't have much in the way of taste buds, so he passed on suggesting that to the person posting the wish.

It was a silly quest, after all.

As he looked at the board, Guild Girl waved him over. He approached, wondering if she had a goblin quest, since he could think of no other reason she would desire his presence.

She bowed before him. "Sorry to trouble you, but we need you to have a psychiatric evaluation."

"Why?"

"The Guild wants every member to have one. They want to make sure we don't allow anyone dangerous in it."

"Dangerous?" He was either not understanding the word or understood it far too well.

She clarified. "Mentally. You know: obsessives, murderhobos, mastrophobes. That sort of thing."

Goblin Slayer nodded his head in understanding. "Since I'm perfectly normal, there shouldn't be any problems."

Guild Girl smiled. "I know. I'd let you skip it if I could, but my bosses are being insistent this time around. Psychiatrist is on the second floor in the easternmost room."

Goblin Slayer went up the stairs and into room. Inside was a slender man with glasses sitting behind a desk. He had a number of papers, a quill, and a jar of ink in front of him. Directly opposite him on the other side of the desk was a chair. He indicated Goblin Slayer should sit in it, so the warrior did.

Psychiatrist said, "I'll try and make this quick and painless. Let's get right to it, shall we? Name?"

"Goblin Slayer."

"Occupation?"

"Goblin Slaying."

"Hmm. Surprising. I had you figured for a bard given the armor you're wearing." He scribbled something down. "What sort of bounties do you take on for the Guild?"

"Goblin slaying bounties. Nothing else."

"What do you do when there are no goblin slaying quests?"

"Find more goblins on my own and kill them."

"On average, how many goblins do you slay in a week?"

"All of them."

"You're very determined." He scribbled something else down. "What sort of books do you read?"

"Ones on how to slay goblins."

"What sort of hobbies do you have?"

"Slaying goblins."

"Favorite band?"

"Goblin. They remind me about killing goblins."

"What sort of games do you enjoying playing?"

"Target practice with spears… using goblins as targets. And parcheesi."

"The game of royalty." He wrote something else down. "I'm going to show you a series of inkblots. You tell me the first thing that comes to mind when you see them." He held one up.

"A goblin."

He held up another.

"A goblin."

He held up another.

"A goblin."

He held up yet another.

"That's the most goblin looking of them all."

Psychiatrist looked at the picture.. "Oh dear. I accidentally put that portrait of my wife in there."

"Oh."

"Sadly, you're not the first person to make that observation." He put down the inkblots and wrote something else down. "We're going to do word associations. I will say a word, and you will tell me the first word that comes to mind. Evil."

"Goblin."

"Flower."

"Goblin."

"Puppy."

"Goblin."

"Goblin."

"Lake."

"Oh? Why that?"

'Because I'd drown the goblin in it."

"Sex."

"Virgin. I am one and it's not likely to change." Goblin Slayer released a tired sigh. "My love life is terrible. Women just aren't interested in guys that constantly smell of goblin blood. It's not a good substitute for cologne. I think I'm destined to be alone forever."

Psychiatrist put down his quill. "Be happy you're single. Take it from someone that's been married for twenty years. After the honeymoon, all women turn into horrible little goblins."

"That would be terrible," Goblin Slayer agreed. "I'd have to kill her, and then I'd be a widower."

"Exactly. Heaving a healthy hobby like goblin genocide is much better than marriage." He put the papers into a formal stack. "You have a perfectly clean bill of health. If only all the guild members were as stable as you. Take that little blonde girl in the white and blue. Walks around with a staff? Has no chest?"

The description didn't ring any bells, so he shook his head.

Psychiatrist continued. "Anyway, get this: she thinks an imaginary sky friend gives her magical powers because she asks. Totally insane. I have no idea how she functions in society. Carry on."

Goblin Slayer got up to leave. He knew he was perfectly normal. Such a waste of time.

As he left, he heard Psychiatrist shout, "What?! This one thinks she's an elf? Why don't we just go ahead and fill in, 'Delusional psychopath. Recommend immediate institutionalization'?"

Goblin Slayer shook his head sadly. He had no idea there were so many unstable people in the guild. Maybe psychiatric evaluations weren't such a waste of time after all.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[End Fic]

Now we have even more silliness in a decidedly non-silly universe. Hope you enjoyed.

Oh yes, the band Goblin is quite good. They did a number of soundtracks for the Italian horror movie movement back in the day.


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